I love you the most, I miss you the most

After my sisters and I went through my mom's old jewelry box I decided to go home and go through my "mom box." I am one of those people who have a box for everything and everyone. My sister makes fun of me because when she was helping my dad move last year she got into my closet and found almost a dozen shoe boxes with boy's names on them. In my mom box I keep EVERYTHING that has ever reminded me of my mom. Here are some specific items to give you a better idea:

Lots of pictures

The newspaper with her obituary

Several cards and letters she wrote to me

Her credit card that she let me use in high school

My quote book that I write all sorts of things in. I started it the year she got sick.

One of her old notebooks

A couple of inspirational books she got while in treatment

The program from her funeral

and several other random things she wrote on or that we found at her house.

I love having these things of hers. It makes me feel like I can stop what I am doing and spend time with her. I probably talk to her more now that she is gone than when she was alive. I am so mad at myself for being angry with her the last couple years of her life. There is no doubt in my mind that she knew that I loved her but I still wish I would have told her that I did more often. Because of that I spend a lot of time telling her that I miss her, that I love her and I apologize a lot for some of the events that have taken place since she died. In my previous blog I said that I am very hesitant to go dress shopping because I am nervous about not find the right dress. Now that I think about it I wonder if it is really because my mom wanted more than anything to take me dress shopping. It is all she talked about when I would visit. She even talked about it before Joel and I got engaged. I always laughed it off but I really wish I hadn't.

This is a picture I found in my mom's apartment. I just love looking at it because everyone says they can see me in her. And having my nanny and papa in it is a plus. I imagine this is what they look like all together in heaven.

This is another one of my favorite pictures.

This is the picture that I keep by my bed. The way she looks in this picture is how I always picture her in my mind. This pictures captures how it used to be when things were "normal".

There is a card that I have in my box that is my favorite. She sent it to me during finals week my first year of college along with three boxes filled with food, candy, pencils, pens, a soft robe and some fuzzy slippers. The card said " I love you the most, I miss you the most." As confident as I am that I was her favorite, I know what she said applied to all three of her daughters. She loved us more than anything and would have done just about anything to get better and be able to be bigger parts of out lives. Now that she is gone I would say that it is safe to say that my sisters and I love her the most and miss her the most.