Oh Patrick...

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am tad bit on the obsessed side when it comes to Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing. It was the first movie I ever remember truly loving. I probably went though 4 or 5 VHS copies of Dirty Dancing. I would watch it over and over and eventually the film would snap. Thank goodness DVDs have come along! In Junior high I made a Dirty Dancing binder. I printed out the script and lyrics to every song in the movie. Just when I thought I had reached the climax of my Patrick Swayze obsession I found that he and his wife Lisa were going to be my new NEIGHBORS! We have a family cabin in the mountains of New Mexico and he bought a cabin and land right behind our cabin. Every time we made the trip to New Mexico I would walk the mile to his place and PRAY that I would see him. It never happened....Finally when I was a junior in high school we made the annual trip to the cabin. I had my best friend Jenn with me and we were determined to see him. Everyday we would drive over to his driveway and sit at the gate. One day we got hungry so we decided to drive back to our place and get some food and then go back and stake out his house. As we drove back up towards his house our dream came true! There stood Patrick Swayze, shirt off, working in his bard about 15 yards from his gate. I just about died! I begged Jenn to go and talk to him and she finally got up and started to walk closer. He was obviously confused as to what we were doing and so he whistled for his HUGE Rhodesian Ridge-back hoping that we would back off. Conveniently Jenn also had a HUGE Rhodesian Ridge-back so she got down and started to play with her. Finally, Lisa starts walking down the driveway. She is obviously a little annoyed and we felt bad but I wanted to meet him so bad. We told her our intentions and she shot us down. We wee disappointed but not SHOCKED that she told us to go away. That day is by far one of my favorite days in the world. I was so sad when I heard he had passed away. I immediately thought of his wife and it broke my heart. I watched the Barbara Walters special the night he died and she said that he passed away while on his ranch in New Mexico. This makes me feel like I know him personally. Our cabin in New Mexico holds such a special place in my family's heart and I know that the Swayze's felt the same way. I am glad he got to spend the last days of his life in such a special place.

I love you the most, I miss you the most

After my sisters and I went through my mom's old jewelry box I decided to go home and go through my "mom box." I am one of those people who have a box for everything and everyone. My sister makes fun of me because when she was helping my dad move last year she got into my closet and found almost a dozen shoe boxes with boy's names on them. In my mom box I keep EVERYTHING that has ever reminded me of my mom. Here are some specific items to give you a better idea:

Lots of pictures

The newspaper with her obituary

Several cards and letters she wrote to me

Her credit card that she let me use in high school

My quote book that I write all sorts of things in. I started it the year she got sick.

One of her old notebooks

A couple of inspirational books she got while in treatment

The program from her funeral

and several other random things she wrote on or that we found at her house.

I love having these things of hers. It makes me feel like I can stop what I am doing and spend time with her. I probably talk to her more now that she is gone than when she was alive. I am so mad at myself for being angry with her the last couple years of her life. There is no doubt in my mind that she knew that I loved her but I still wish I would have told her that I did more often. Because of that I spend a lot of time telling her that I miss her, that I love her and I apologize a lot for some of the events that have taken place since she died. In my previous blog I said that I am very hesitant to go dress shopping because I am nervous about not find the right dress. Now that I think about it I wonder if it is really because my mom wanted more than anything to take me dress shopping. It is all she talked about when I would visit. She even talked about it before Joel and I got engaged. I always laughed it off but I really wish I hadn't.

This is a picture I found in my mom's apartment. I just love looking at it because everyone says they can see me in her. And having my nanny and papa in it is a plus. I imagine this is what they look like all together in heaven.

This is another one of my favorite pictures.

This is the picture that I keep by my bed. The way she looks in this picture is how I always picture her in my mind. This pictures captures how it used to be when things were "normal".

There is a card that I have in my box that is my favorite. She sent it to me during finals week my first year of college along with three boxes filled with food, candy, pencils, pens, a soft robe and some fuzzy slippers. The card said " I love you the most, I miss you the most." As confident as I am that I was her favorite, I know what she said applied to all three of her daughters. She loved us more than anything and would have done just about anything to get better and be able to be bigger parts of out lives. Now that she is gone I would say that it is safe to say that my sisters and I love her the most and miss her the most.

BMGS

Not much is going on in the wedding planning arena. I have made arrangements for all of the major things and I have about a month or two before I need to get more arrangements made. I always thought that I would go dress shopping the second I got engaged but instead, I am very very nervous about dress shopping. I am scared that I will not find anything I like or that nothing will look good on me and if I do find the perfect gown, everyone helping me will tell me it's not the one. I know that I need to find a dress that I want but what fun is it to get married in a dress that no one likes?

It has been almost 3 months since my mom died and it is slowly, very very slowly getting easier...actually its not but I figure that it might seem to get easier if I just say that it is. I still talk about her all the time. I think it makes people think I'm a little crazy but I can't help it. My sisters and I went through her her jewelry box and it was very...therapeutic. There are a lot of very memorable pieces in her jewelry box. Some big pieces, little pieces, expensive pieces and some pieces that aren't worth a buck but no matter the details they hold a little piece of our childhood where everything was "normal" or BMGS (Before Mom Got Sick). We ultimately decided that besides a few particular items we would leave mom's jewelry box the way we found and when we want to have a little piece of her with us, borrow what we wanted.

There are a few items that hold a very special place in our memories that we decided to split up. Amy has a beautiful necklace that has my nannie's (mom's mom) wedding ring stones it it. Dad had it made into a gorgeous three stone pendant necklace. I just love the jewelry I receive from my mom's side of the family. It probably is not the most expensive stuff but it sure came from the heart. My papa was a wonderful man and he loved y nanny so much. Before nanny died she gave me her mother's ring that my papa had made for her. I wear it all the time and it is one of my most special pieces of jewelry.

Tracy got a piece that just screams Patti. It was one of her most prized possessions besides her wedding rings. Several years ago my dad got my mom a beautiful cross necklace that she never took off. I remember being little with my head in her lap and I would just stare at it. I am really happy that Tracy gets it. Her and my mom were extremely close.

I get to have a aquamarine cocktail ring that I can remember playing with when I was little. I am not sure how much my mom even wore this ring but for some reason when I picture her in my mind she is always wearing it. I also have her wedding band. When we went to the funeral home they gave us her rings and I put it on and haven't taken it off since. It is just a simple gold band but to me it represents over thirty years of marriage.

This is the aquamarine cocktail ring

This is my mom's wedding band

This is my nannie's mother ring with my mom, Uncle Bill and Uncle Steve's Birthstones.